As many of you know I am a procrastinator. I believe that I was born a procrastinator. I was 3 days late. Many people in college say that they procrastinate just as an excuse to be lazy, but I fully believe that my problems with motivation have nothing to do with laziness. I can't remember a point in my life where I had enough motivation to do anything when it was supposed to be done. The earliest grade I remember is about 6th grade. I had the hardest time completing my assignments on time, for no real reason. This problem has followed me my entire life and has become so serious that I am terrified to finish anything. I panic when I get to the end of a project or something, to the point where I need to finish it. I know this is a bad example, but it took me 2 years to finish a video game that I could have finished in a month. I got through the whole game to the very end, before the big final task, then I stopped playing. It finally took Andy forcing me to finish it that I finally did. And I cried. And felt a weird sense of loss, not accomplishment. I don't know why I have this weird reaction to the end of things, but with this enormous juggernaut of reality hurtling toward me at the speed of light, I am terrified. Everyone keeps telling me that I should be excited to be done. but in all honesty I am so overwhelmed with panic that I can't even concentrate on the accomplishment at hand.
I was thinking about my issue with procrastination recently and I fully credit it with my mediocre performance throughout my life. I start the semester off on a good foot. I work hard and it seems like it might break my habit, until about half way through. Thats when the end is in sight and panic mode comes in. I know people don't think that I am serious in that this is a real problem but I am completely serious. I wonder if I should talk to someone about it. I think that it goes deeper than just not having the motivation to do anything.
Anyway, I am terrified to graduate and I almost think that I subconsciously sabotage everything I do in order to prolong the inevitable. If anyone thinks I should seek help, or knows how to help, please let me know.
